jonas / allstarz

[refractures]

fishes out my dissertation about how these two are so funny in juxtaposition

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[sixam]

[ a moment of silence as he debates being frank or not. ]

Uh. Became God, I guess. [ sometimes you become god first, then you pick up bartending and then you turn eighteen. all very normal, clearly. ]

[refractures]

[ Jonas really decided to tell Seodore this. I don't know the amount of trust this took, but Seodore's expression looks a little more... complicated. He's definitely at war with himself. ]

... Does anything change you mentally when you become god?

[sixam]

[ uhhhh a lot and he is not fully convinced this was the right choice because he's always lowkey nervous about telling anyone given everyone's extremely complicated feelings about god. seodore's expression doesn't do much to quell this either. ]

If you're asking me if I only became like this because I became God, no, not really. [ his personality and mental state, he means. ] But... maybe I should just ask what you mean instead of guessing?

[refractures]

Compared to how you were before, did it make you feel any different? Did it make you want to save people more? Vanquish more evil in the world? Test your powers on someone you didn't like? Try to let go of personal grievances with your position?

[ Anything, basically. ]

[sixam]

Whoa, whoa, whoa! One thing at a time, man. [ yikes! but he pauses to take another drag of his cigarette just to stall and give himself time to organize his thoughts. ]

I died when I was seventeen. Kinda thought that'd be it, but God found me instead and dragged me to Heaven. We talked a bit. There was... a project that they had thought of but decided they weren't that interested in launching. But I wanted to because I thought it was more fair than an immediate ruling based on a single judgment. I called it the redemption project because it was meant to be eight weeks that people would be in a separate part of Heaven and given time away from their lives to reflect and assess and try to prove they would be able to handle a second chance at life and do better with it. Heal from things. See their own potential? Things like that. If they so chose to stay in Heaven, they could have. And if anyone really went backwards or didn't seem capable of change at all, it would've ended differently.

In order to do this though, I had to take on God's power myself. And so I made a deal. I would do that if they would help me with something I wanted myself outside of seeing this project proceed. We agreed if it was successful, they would help me. So there was an exchange of power. They just forgot to clarify it would be a permanent change.

[ sometimes you just accidentally become god without realizing the full scope of what you're saying yes to. ]

I don't use my powers to punish people if that's what you're asking because that's not gonna help. I spent months running the bar and being among the participants and getting to know them better so I could make a more accurate judgment and actually help them work through things. It was never meant to turn into a bloodbath, but... that's another long story. After a point, my only concern was helping them stay the course and protecting them where I could and finding a way to save the people we lost.

[refractures]

[ Seodore quietly listens to all of this and his expression seems to relax a little, though he's clearly still conflicted. What really saved Jonas was-- ]

So there's a god before you who... I see. It sounds a little like Alex's case where the title of god or satan is transferred.

[sixam]

[ well. ]

Yeah, it's... exactly the same thing? But Alex has just been doing it longer than me, so when I signed on she didn't realize who it was she was targeting.

[refractures]

... Huh.

[ He feels like he's had an epiphany (he did not). ]

What are you two exactly?

[sixam]

[ real. ]

Satan and God, respectively, from the same "universe" or whatever you'd call it. She took over about two years ago, I took over about ten months ago. Both dead, both ascended.

[ is that what he meant. we'll see. ]

[refractures]

No, I mean... were you friends? Before all this happened?

[sixam]

... yeah? [ this is more questioning himself than seodore. ] She was my best friend. She was the last person I saw before I died. Pretty sure it's the same for her.

[ along with a handful of other things, depending on the timeline. but regardless, best friend is consistent. ]

[refractures]

[ He would have taken that answer, but. ]

... You sound a little doubtful and speak in past tense.

[sixam]

Yeah, probably because it is. [ ... there's a sigh. ] I have no idea if we're even anything right now and honestly I don't even know what to ask to figure it out.

[refractures]

Because she ruined your project and presumably dragged many others down?

[ He thinks about Alex's possible reactions and thinks of her usual apathetic response.

... ]

[sixam]

Yeah, basically that. She says she probably wouldn't have done it if she knew it was me, apparently. [ "probably." ]

I don't think I can really afford being mad at her here when we aren't God and Satan right now, but it also doesn't change that we're not resolving, like, any of that. So. I don't know what we are.

[refractures]

So... she turned heaven into a game? One of these games where you need to "die"? And you think you're not allowed to be mad at her because she's not "Satan" right now? Even though it sounds like she willingly did it and not as an obligation of her title? Even though she played with people like a toy?

[sixam]

[ ... yeah, that about sums it up and he just sort of stares off into space for a second. ]

I've had a few months of being pissed. And I'm still pissed? There's... there's really no forgiving what happened because she hurt a lot of people under my watch and ruined something I was trying to do to not only help other people but also to find her in the first place. But she has a little more clarity right now than she did before, and I don't know how being mad at her when we're both here is going to help. I can fight with her for the rest of eternity, but it's counterproductive here when I also know she won't kill anyone herself right now.

[ mostly because she has no powers, and also because jonas himself is here and acting as her morality leash. ]

So it's less about thinking I can't be mad and more about reprioritizing what I'm mad about.

[refractures]

[ Seodore just stares at Jonas like. Okay. He can understand that, but he's still irrationally angry because that seemed to have poked at one of his fury buttons. He won't yell at Jonas. That's counterproductive. Seodore is doing his best to keep his emotions in check... ]

Apart from being possibly possessed as the murderer of the week?

[sixam]

[ look it is a very confusing time to be jonas right now. he gets it. ]

You mean like Rosamund was? Or Boothill? Or any of us? You and I both know we can't control who is being possessed here. But if that were to happen? Of course I'd be the one to deal with it myself. She's my responsibility.

[ also, he sort of has to live with the idea that given their history alex may very well choose to kill him while possessed and maybe that would be better than a person who hasn't already died. ]

... she hasn't been herself since the island. And Hell made it worse, and I'm trying to figure out what to do. But as long as I'm watching her I can keep her attention. [ and she won't get bored and decide to play a stupid game. ]

[refractures]

... Does she confide in you?

[ Seo's starting to wonder if this is some weird stockholm thing. ]

[sixam]

Not as much these days, but she doesn't have to. I still know her better than anybody else. [ he seems confident about that at least. but... context. ] Comes from countless of time loops, apparently. We were together for all of them.

[refractures]

[ He knows her better than anybody else and yet... Hm. Seodore doesn't like this. ]

So leaving her like this is the best way to handle it right now?

[sixam]

Yes. She'll try to say she's a villain and evil because she believes it and has internalized that, but she's still going to be unhappy that other people say it to her when she's not even doing anything here. Kind of like "well you already think this of me, so maybe I will be evil."

Treating her normally and just kind of talking to her seems to be working. Without our powers she's just... y'know. A normal teenage girl who's stuck like the rest of us and has just as big a chance of being possessed as we do. I know it's not a perfect solution, but I know it works.

[refractures]

[ He really wants to say that she still did all that, so yeah! She's actually pretty evil regardless of influence, but he'll hold his tongue. ]

A personal redemption project, then.

[ He looks a little resigned. ]

[sixam]

[ to which he would say "she's actually just a depressed teenage girl with ghosts living in her brain" but he does not elaborate. ]

... I know some people might think it's stupid to keep trying with her, but I don't want to give up when I know she's still in there. So if the only person she ends up hurting is me, then that's fine.